The Day Caius Started Taking Yoga Classes
by SulpiciaDoesntApprove
Summary: The title says it all. Random stories about the Volturi finding themselves in crazy situations doing things they would never do. Includes philosophic Felix, drunk Sulpicia, speechless Aro and a creepy baby.
1. Felix, the Philosophic Eater

_**The title says it pretty much: STUFF THAT THE VOLTURI WOULD NEVER DO**_

_**Randomness + weird/impossible/crazy ideas + bad fanfiction + the Volturi = CHAOS (not Caius) Beware the EXTREME RANDOMNESS!**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own. Except the crazy ideas and the insanity to even consider writing this.**_

---

_Heidi__ and Felix in the tower room feeding_

_Heidi:_ "What's wrong Felix?"

_Felix__ only sighs. With a grave expression on his face, he looks down at the dead human at his feet, but refuses to touch it._

_Heidi: _ "Aren't going to finish your meal? Because if you don't…"

_She eyes the fresh body hungrily._

_Felix:_ "… don't you empathize with your food sometimes? Like, it almost makes you regretful to take an innocent young life?"

_Heidi:_ "… regretful?"

_Heidi looks confused now._

_Felix:_ "You know… like, sometimes I feel like a brute. Like a monster."

_He turns around to look at her__._

_Heidi:_ "But…."

_Felix: _"Don't you sometimes feel like that too?"

_Heidi takes a while to consider that._

_Heidi: _"Actually, no."

_Felix: _"No?"

_Heidi: _"No. We are what we are."

_Felix: _"And that would be?"

_Heidi: _"Carnivores."

_Heidi's tone is serious, __but there's a hint of a smile on her lips. Felix gives her a sour look._

_Felix: _"This is not funny! You are mocking my misery!"

_His lower lip__ quivers and he has clenched his fists._

_Heidi: _"Oh please! Since when do you whine about our diet?"

_She is getting angry. Felix is too. He throws his arms up in the air in a dramatic gesture._

_Felix: _"It's a question of deep philosophical interest! Are we truly evil or do our actions make us? Does free will exist? Is there a God or not?"

_There is a moment of silence._

_Heidi: _"Look, are you going to eat that now or not?"

_Felix gl__ares at her._

_Felix:_ "… Oh fine!"

_They both start sucking the blood from the lifeless body._

---

_**Felix, the philosophic**__** eater.**_

_**Similarities to Edward Cullen's **__**"la tua cantante conflict" are not entirely unintentional. It's all in good fun. ;)**_


	2. Honey, I Punched a Werewolf in the Face

_**I like to take situations from the Twilight series and then think about what the Volturi would do if that stuff were ever to happen to them.**_

_**So now I shall present you "Honey, I punched a werewolf in the face". ;P**_

---

_Caius and the guard come back to Volterra from a mission_

_Aro__:_ "Welcome back!"

_Caius looks extremely pissed. His cloak is torn, his white hair tousled and his face dirty._

_Aro__: _ "… everything okay?"

_Aro gets up from his throne and walks towards the small group, the smile on his face not as bright as before. Everyone else is eying Caius uneasily and stays away from him as far as possible._

_Caius__:_ "Fucking mongrels!"

_He keeps on cursing. Demetri and Felix cover Jane and Alec's ears._

_Aro: _"So… the Children of the Moon were giving you a hard time?"

_Caius__:_ "I know exactly now why I didn't want a dog when I was a child!"

_He __swears some more. Sulpicia and Athenodora come in from their rooms._

_Athenodora__:_ "We heard someone cursing. So we figured my dear husband must be back."

_Sulpicia__: _"Oh my God, Caius what is THIS?!"

_She points hysterically at something white poking out of Caius' cloak pocket._

_Aro__: _"What?"

_Everyone is staring at Caius wide-eyed by now. Sulpicia screams some more._

_Caius__: _"You mean this?"

_He pulls out the white chunk that looks a lot like stone, but even more like a__ vampire hand._

_Everyone__: _"EEEK!"

_Sulpicia__ looks like she is going to faint._

_Caius__: _"Oh. This is my left hand."

_He says it with nonchalance. Everyone just stares at him._

_Fel__ix: _"You… you lost your hand?"

_Caius gives him the "Caius death glare" that even makes bulky Felix stumble back a few steps._

_Caius__: _"I didn't LOSE it! I punched a werewolf in the face!"

_Twenty two jaws fall open. Athenodora is the only one who doesn't seem to be disturbed at all by this._

_Athenodora__: _"What happened?"

_Caius: _"I punched the thing, it opened its muzzle, bit down and then I tore its miserable head off. I was smart enough to get my hand out before we burned the carcass, of course. End of story."

_The sour expression is back on his face. And then Aro starts laughing._

_Caius: _"Do you think that's funny you jerk?! Damn it, if I were simply a guard member I would quit!"

_Aro's laughter stops. Even he realizes that making Caius __angry never ends well. Athenodora puts a light, reassuring hand on her husband's shoulder._

_Athenodora: _"Put that hand back on. You can always take it off again for All Hallows' Eve. And now I will prepare you a nice relaxing bath. Because you smell."

_She leads him out of the room._

---

_**I love how Athenodora is kind of the only sane person in this fic.**_

_**Review! **__**:)**_


	3. The Shirt of Contention

_**The most random things can start with a PM. I think it all started with me writing about the possibility of Jane wearing guys' sweaters**__** she took from the bags intended for the Salvation Army. And then I and this-heart kept on getting all those crazy ideas and we decided this should totally be part of "The Day Caius Started Taking Yoga Classes". So credit goes to her. I just happen to be the one writing all this silliness down. **_

_**We were both hyper on Easter chocolate, lavender scented candles and Jaro, that's our excuse. ;P**_

---

_Sulpicia passes Jane in the hallway_

_Jane__:_ "Good evening, mistress."

_She is going to walk past her, but Sulpicia calls after her._

_Sulpicia__: _ "Jane, is that Aro's shirt you are wearing?"

_Jane turns around, __picking nervously on the large, dark grey T-shirt she is wearing under her cloak._

_Jane:_ "Um, no! It's um, … um… Marcus'. Yes…. Yes, it's Marcus'!"

_She looks very uncomfortable. Sulpicia, on the other hand, looks at her __with a confused expression at first. But then her face lits up._

_Sulpicia__: _"Oh, are you two… that's wonderful! I'm so happy Marcus has found a mate, someone to be happy with after all these years! And you too, Jane!"

_She claps her hands in delight and hugs a baffled Jane._

_Jane__:_ "Um… thaaaaanks?"

_Sulpicia__ runs off, leaving Jane standing in the empty hallway with her mouth hanging open._

---

_Later, Jane and Aro in his study_

_Aro__ reads Jane's thoughts. And then he starts laughing hysterically .He can only speak with great difficulty between the giggles._

_Aro__: _"You… you… she thinks you and Marcus are together? HAHAHAHA!"

_Jane: _"It's not FUNNY!"

_She glares at him furiously, but he only laughs harder._

---

Later, everyone in the tower room

_Sulpicia__: _"Everyone, Jane and Marcus are a couple!"

_Everyone gasps. Felix even drops a chair._

_And Marcus shows an actual expression for the first time in ages._

_Marcus__: _"Excuse me?"

_Aro starts laughing._

_Sulpicia__: _"What's so funny about this wonderful new love blossoming?"

_Aro makes a couple of unsuccessful efforts to speak__, shaking with laughter._

_A__ro: _"Um, you might have misunderstood something here, my darling wife."

_Sulpicia__: _"I have?"

_Marcus:_ "Yes, what makes you think we would be together, may I ask?"

_Sulpicia is confused now, looking back and forth between Marcus and Jane._

_Sulpicia:_ "Well, I DID catch her wearing your shirt...."

_Everyone gasps__ in a "oh my gosh, this is SO scandalous" manner._

_Jane stutters and stammers nervously._

_Jane: _"No it's not what you… I mean… I haven't even hit PUBERTY yet, I'm certainly not interested in… Marcus and I? I… um… master, help?

_She __looks at Aro for help. But he is laughing too hard._

_Jane: _"Aro, HELP ME! This is your fault!"

_Sulpicia: _"How is this his fault?"

_She still looks completely c__lueless, being her naïve self._

_Marcus, on the other hand, is feeling like he should be unhelpful and revengeful for once._

_Marcus: _"Well, it's not MY shirt she was wearing!"

_Everyone gasps again in a "oh my gosh, this is SO scandalous" __manner._

_Demetri: _"Wow, Jane. I always thought Heidi was the slut, but you sure proved me wrong!"

_Heidi growls. Jane glares at him. And then they both a__ttack him and tackle him to the floor where they start pummeling him._

_Sulpicia attacks Aro._

_Felix slaps Caius._

_Caius: _"What the hell was that for?!"

_Felix: _"I have ALWAYS wanted to do that!"

_And then everyone is fighting with someone, slapping each other, rolling on the floor, tearing on each other's hair._

_Athenodora is the only one watching from a little distance, shaking her head at the sight._

_Athenodora: _"My flight to the Bermudas leaves tomorrow at eight o'clock…."

---

_**This is what happens when you take other people's clothes without asking.**_

_**I**__** changed the rating to T. Just because Caius likes to swear and I don't feel like censoring him. ;P**_


	4. Goths on the Loose

_**No, I have not abandoned this fic. I just lost my sense of humor temporarily. I hope it's back now after getting some sleep.**_

---

_The tower room_

_Gianna comes running into the room, trying to catch her breath. She has a tiny silver mobile phone in her hand._

_Gianna: _"Master Caius, I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you, but here is a phone call for you."

_Caius__: _ "Can't Aro answer it?"

_He looks around the room, searching for the ever cheerful vampire__._

_Gianna looks uncomfortable__._

_Gianna: _"Um… actually the call is about him."

_She shifts her weight from one leg to another nervously. Caius turns around to glare at her, then walks over to where she stands and snatches the phone from her hand._

_Caius: _"Caius Volturi speaking."

_He presses the phone to his ear and Gianna takes small steps back towards the door. Caius has obviously __forgotten about her and is speaking into the phone._

_Caius: _"… what do you want?"

_His tone is harsh and unfriendly, but as he speaks it changes, along with his expression._

_Caius: _"Is it about the incident with the tourist group? I could explain that, officer…"

_The person on the other end of the line is talking and Caius' brows furrow._

_Caius: _"Aro? … No, he isn't my child, luckily. … Yes yes, teenagers on the loose can be very annoying, I know what I'm talking about, we have two of them… No, I'm his brother, actually."

_The other vampires around start to give him curious glances and he goes to stand by the window where it's more difficult for them to follow the conversation. He puts a hand over the phone and whispers._

_Caius: _"Now listen to me…"

_There is another short pause._

_Caius: _"No, please don't… Yes, I will come and get him."

_With that, he shuts the phone and then throws it angrily against the wall where it shatters into tiny pieces. He storms out of the room._

---

_Forty minutes later__, still in the tower room_

_Gianna comes in again, this time the phone in her hand is a shiny black._

_Gianna: _"Demetri, here is someone who wants to talk to you."

_Demetri looks at her, confused._

_D__emetri: _"My mother?"

_Gianna: _"No, not your mother. Maybe it's best if you listen for yourself."

_She hands him the phone and disappears again._

_Demetri: _"Yes? This is Demetri on the phone."

_His expression goes from confused to disbelieving as he listens to the person on the other side of the line._

_Demetri: _"Yes, I happen to know them… What is the problem, officer?"

_He takes in a loud breath._

_Demetri: _"Yes, please put him on the line."

_He waits, giving the others staring a __pointed look and they quickly turn away again._

_Demetri: _"… Master Caius? What happened?"

_Muffled curses and yelling can be heard from the other end of the line._

_Demetri: _"Oh dear… Yes, of course I'll come… Okay, I won't bring my cloak with me then. Bye."

_He hands the phone back to Gianna wordlessly and hurries out of the room._

---

Another forty minutes later, still in the tower room

_Demetri comes back, Aro and Caius following behind him, the two of them are not wearing their usual robes, just the clothes they wear under it.__ Caius is scowling even more than usual, Aro looks slightly sheepish._

_Demetri: _"Hello everyone. We are back."

_Caius: _"… and our next summer holiday is canceled."

_Afton: _"Did we ever have one in the first place?"

_Athenodora: _"What happened?"

_Demetri sighs and opens his mouth to start explaining, but Caius interrupts him, pointing a skinny finger at Aro._

_Caius: _"That DUMBASS over there decided it would be fun to take a walk out on the Piazza. Unfortunately, two policemen did the same. You know how they are nowadays, men in robes are suspicious in their eyes. And when he told them that it makes a man look more powerful and _royal _when he wears a robe, they started to question his sanity and thought it would be better to take him to the police station."

_Aro raises his hands defensively._

_Aro: _"Robes will be back in fashion in no time. And _I_ wasn't the one stupid enough to show up in his own robe to get another one arrested for wearing a robe out of jail."

_Athenodora does a very graceful facepalm._

_Caius growls._

_Demetri: _"To keep a long story short, I had to use our holiday money to bribe them out of jail. And I had to convince the officer that they are not insane or perverted for wearing black skirts, just a little… _different_. I told them they are two of those goth kids."

_Aro: _"I tried my best not to smile throughout the procedure."

---

_**I got the idea for this when I read in a book about the most stupid laws on this planet. Apparently Italy has a law that says "Men wearing a skirt can be arrested." How was I supposed to not get ideas?! XD**_

_**No offence to goths, I'm just **__**playing with the stereotype here. ;)**_


	5. Sulpicia's MidEternity Crisis

_**Sulpicia's mid-eternity crisis. I mean, I would get depressed too sitting in a tower the whole day, my husband busy with other things, possibly cheating on me, … and without a TV or Nitendo to play with. I would feel useless. And bored.**__** And – oh horrible thought – Sulpicia doesn't even have an iPod! (gasp) **_

_**So what is a Volturi wife to do in that horrible situation? Answer: Cause some "Italian-family-clan-soap-opera drama".**_

---

_Athenodora and Sulpicia in the tower_

_Sulpicia is arranging the flowers for the twenty-seventh time __in a row now._

_Athenodora: _"I think they already looked perfect the first time you rearranged them, Sulpicia. Now it's getting annoying."

_Sulpicia: _"But… they have to look more than perfect…"

_Athenodora gets up from the window seat and takes the vase from her nervous, fidgeting cousin._

_Athenodora: _"Sully, please, calm down. What is wrong with you lately anyway?"

_Sulpicia crushes another vase between her __trembling hands and breaks into tearless tears._

_Sulpicia: _"See, you think something is wrong with me too!"

_Athenodora sighs._

_Sulpicia: _"Oh Dora!"

_She throws her skinny arms around Athenodora's shoulders, quietly dry-sobbing into her hair._

_Athenodora: _"There is nothing wrong with you. I just think you are just a tad bit… over-sensitive and moody lately."

_Sulpicia starts to cry harder._

_Sulpicia: _"Oh Dora, I know I am ugly and useless and nobody loves me-"

_Athenodora: _"Sully, please, stop it. You know that we are two of the most beautiful creatures walking on this earth, you are highly respected as a Volturi wife and you have a wonderful husband who loves you dearly."

_Sulpicia tears herself away from her cousin's shoulder, picks up a book from the table and, spinning around, throws it against the wall, her expression furious._

_Sulpicia: _"Are you trying to tell me you are more beautiful than me?! You are insulting me! Volturi wife?! That is not even something! And admit it, you are secretly cheating on me with my Aro, you like him, admit it!"

_She falls to her knees, tearing on her long, pale-blonde hair. Athenodora takes a step back, inhaling deeply in an attempt to calm herself._

_Athenodora: _"You are being silly, my dear. All I meant was to comfort you, and I have a husband I am perfectly content with."

_Sulpicia: _"Yes, we all know YOU HAVE A SEX LIFE AND I HAVEN'T!"

_Sulpicia storms off in a huff, leaving a confused Athenodora behind._

_Athenodora: _"Oh dear…"

---

_Later, __in the throne room_

_Demetri and __Santiago come in, dragging a struggling and rater disheveled looking Sulpicia behind them._

_Sulpicia: _"Lemme… get you haaaands offa meeee!"

_She speaks with a slur__, having great difficulties to not fall down and everyone looks at her, horrified._

_Sulpicia: _"What? Just because I'm drink… drinking R… Russian doesn'ttt mean I'ma with the Romaaanians!"

_She holds a bottle of Vodka in her hands._

_Caius: _"I'm speechless right now."

_Athenodora: _"Can vampires even get drunk?"

_Aro: _"Looks like they can. How very fascinating. I wonder…"

_He takes a step forward, trying to get the bottle from his wife's hands, but she hides it quickly behind her back, giggling._

_Sulpicia: _"Nope. Miiiine."

_Aro: _"Darling, please. You are making a fool out of yourself. Just give me that bottle."

_Sulpicia: _"WHY DON'T WE HAVE SEX ANYMORE?!"

_Someone, Felix most likely, snickers._

_Aro: _"…"

_Caius: _"Oh, look, someone else is speechless too."

_Aro glares at him and Caius glares back. In the meantime, Athenodora can convince Sulpicia to sit down._

_Athenodora: _"Sully, I think it would be a good idea if we talked about your problems…"

_Caius turns around, facing the guards gathered who __are watching the strange scene._

_Caius: _"This is not some kind of bad Italian family clan soap opera. Everyone, leave. NOW."

_They all know that__ there is no joking with Caius, so they don't even start to argue and leave. But Aro calls after Alec just as the young vampire is about to slip out of the door._

_Aro: _"Alec, HEY! … bring that bottle of Vodka back!"

---

– _**to be continued – **_

_**Sully and Dora. **__**Not even vampires bother with long names in private. ;)**_

_**Any ideas**__** for further chapters? I already have a couple of new ones in mind, but I'm open to suggestions.**_


	6. Sulpicia III

_**Sulpici**__**a's mid-life crisis part II. **_

_**How can vampires get drunk? They can't. But **__**since when does this fic make sense? ;P**_

---

_The ancients__ in the tower_

_Aro, Caius, Athenodora and Marcus stand around Sulpicia who still looks rather confused and drunk. She has a silly smile plastered on her lips and stares at the ceiling._

_Aro__: _"Sulpicia, would you… like to talk about your problems?"

_Sulpicia __doesn't respond and just keeps on humming to herself and swinging her legs childishly._

_Aro__: _"You can talk with me about it, you know?"

_Caius: _"Just because you took that internet course on Psychology, it doesn't mean that you are a professional therapist."

_Aro: _"… Oh yes? Just because you read a book about the art of kung-fu that doesn't mean you are a master of material arts either!"

_Caius: _"Bullshit! Just because you think you are as skilled as a Roman commander doesn't mean you are one! Remember when we moved against those Cullens? Now if you had only let me take care of that situation…"

_Aro: _"Caius! Don't you-"

_Athenodora: _"Caius, Aro! Could you please stop bickering? You may have not noticed, but I'm fairly sure that Sulpicia just passed out…"

_They all look at Sulpicia then who lies indeed on the floor, obviously unconscious._

_Aro: _"What… what should we do?!"

_Marcus: _"Option A: let her die. Option B: make her throw up."

_Aro: _"How… how do you know these things?"

_Athenodora only rolls her eyes._

_Caius: _"Honestly Aro, sometimes I am questioning your intelligence…"

_Aro: _"I already know that. Mind reader, remember? And at least _I_ am the one with a sense of humor here. Unlike OTHERS!"

_Caius: _"Well, for your information: Your jokes aren't even FUNNY!"

_They start insulting each other again. Marcus wears the same bored expression as ever. Athenodora sighs._

_Marcus: _"How long is it going to take them this time?"

_Athenodora: _"Well, Heidi should arrive with a new group of tourists soon, so I'd say no longer than until then."

_Suddenly, __Sulpicia sits up abruptly._

_Sulpicia__: _"I'm going to write a book."

They all look at her then, dumbfounded.

_Caius: _"Umm… what?!"

_Sulpicia: _"You heard me. I am going to write a book."

_Aro: _"Darling… are you okay?"

_Sulpicia shakes off his hand angrily and gets up, still rather unst__eady on her feet._

_Sulpicia: _"Yes, I am perfectly FINE! I don't feel useless or frustrated in any way! I am FINE!"

_Athenodora raises an eyebrow at her._

_Athenodora: _"Are you sure?"

_Sulpicia ignores her and goes to stand by the window, supporting herself on the window-sill, taking in a few deep breaths and talking to herself._

_Sulpicia: _"I am a strong, independent woman."

_Athenodora: _"Yes you are but-"

_Sulpicia throws her thin arms up in the air in a melodramatic gesture._

_Sulpicia: _"I am sick of being just a wife in the tower!"

_Even Marcus looks mildly taken aback now._

_Sulpicia:_ "Did you hear me?! I am SICK of it!"

_Aro: _Well yes my dear… but we could surely talk about it, I promise! There is really no need to cause drama here…"

_His wife glares at him, a stubborn__, determined expression on her papery face._

_Sulpicia: _"I am going to write a book!"

_Nobody says anything to that. They are just nothing but relived when Felix comes in._

_Felix: _"Masters… Alec…"

_Felix looks very uneasy. Caius glares at him, waiting for him to speak._

_Caius: _"What is it?"

_Felix: _"He… um… kind of passed out…"

---

_**It took her 2000 years to get emancipated. o.O**_

_**There w**__**ere two Roman poets called Sulpicia. Maybe that's where Stephenie Meyer got the name from? **_

_**And another note: the voting for the "Volturi fanfic contest" is now open on my profile. If you haven't already, I suggest you read all the entries and GO VOTE!**_


End file.
